Developing Essays

Core Principle

Actionability > Description: Essays answer "what will you do?" not "who are you?"

Every theme must translate to future behavior.

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Output Format

When providing essay feedback, use this concise side-by-side format:

Structure:

• One focused paragraph per major issue
• Quote the problematic essay text, then provide commentary immediately after
• No lengthy preambles or excessive context

Format pattern:

[Issue name]: "[quoted essay text]"

[Single paragraph explaining the problem and suggesting fix]

Constraints:

• Maximum 3-4 issues per feedback session
• Each commentary paragraph: 3-5 sentences maximum
• Focus on actionable changes, not theory
• Use examples only when they directly demonstrate the fix

What to prioritize:

1. Missing forward projection (no "what will you do")
2. Circular narrative gaps (opening theme not closed in conclusion)
3. Weak openings (no hook, unclear stakes, unmotivated quotes)
4. Weak throughline or too many themes
5. Abstract language without concrete moments
6. Structural problems (formula, weak climax)

Omit exhaustive walkthroughs of the diagnostic framework unless specifically requested.

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Five-Step Diagnostic

Note: This is strategic (what to say). See "Tactical Writing Process" for mechanical execution (how to write).

1. Throughline Extraction

Find what the essay is actually about:

• What's the emotional climax?
• What was lost/gained?
• What pattern does this reveal?
• How will this manifest in the future?

Example:

• Surface: "Couldn't dance professionally"
• Deeper: "Lost external validation"
• Pattern: "Shifted from performing → discovering"
• Future: "Will seek clarity over recognition"

For college essays: State your throughline/values explicitly in the opening paragraph. Don't bury it in abstractions.

❌ Weak opening: "Growing up a member of Gen Z, I'm invested in learning how people negotiate power..." ✅ Strong opening: "I want to understand how policy can empower people, not just regulate them. This matters to me because..."

Pattern: Lead with clear personal values → then show how opportunities align with those values

2. Actionability Test

Ask: "What does this predict about future behavior?"

Strong: "I embrace imperfection" → "I will take intellectual risks, be vulnerable, try repeatedly from failure" Weak: "I learned resilience" → (What specifically will you DO?)

Rule: If you can't name 3 concrete behaviors, the theme is too abstract.

Realization → Action Template

Many essays end with realizations but no behavior change. Use this template to convert insights to actions:

Pattern: "I realized [insight]. Now when [situation], I [specific behavior]."

Examples:

• ❌ Weak: "I realized food negotiates belonging"

• ✅ Strong: "I realized food negotiates belonging. Now when roommates mention what they eat, I ask about the story behind it"

• ❌ Weak: "Bridge-building is carried in everyday objects"

• ✅ Strong: "Bridge-building is carried in everyday objects. Now when I meet someone new, I notice what they carry—the book bag, the keychain, the coffee order—and ask about it"

Test: Can you name both the trigger situation AND the specific behavior? If not, still too abstract.

3. Subtraction Test

Too many themes? Subtract until one remains.

1. List all themes
2. Write "This essay is about [theme]" for each
3. Which feels most urgent?
4. Cut everything else

One essay, one throughline.

4. Forward Projection

Transform past → future capability.

❌ "I had to reinvent myself" ✅ "I reinvented myself once; I can do it again"

Template: "Because [experience], I am now capable of [specific action]"

Circular Narrative Structure

Bridge-building essays must close the loop: if opening establishes a theme, conclusion must show how that theme manifests in future action.

Opening → Conclusion Circle:

• Opening establishes: "[Core theme/value]"
• Body demonstrates: [Examples that prove theme]
• Conclusion projects: "Because of [theme], I will [specific action] when [context]"

Test: Replace conclusion with opening theme phrase. Does it connect naturally? If not, revise conclusion to explicitly callback.

Example (NYU bridge-building essay):

• Opening: "I'd grown through the words of others"
• Weak conclusion: "Bridge-building is carried in everyday objects" (realization, no callback)
• Strong conclusion: "At NYU, I'll grow others through my questions—not just learning from their words, but helping them discover meaning in their stories" (callbacks to "words of others" + shows future behavior)

Common mistake: Concluding with a beautiful insight that has no connection to the opening theme. This breaks the essay's coherence.

5. Concrete Translation

Abstract → tangible.

• Abstract: "I embrace imperfection"
• Concrete: "In the lab, when I killed the cricket, I documented the failure and adjusted technique"
• Three contexts:
  • Academic: Share preliminary ideas in class
  • Research: Publish null results
  • Collaborative: Admit when I don't know

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Tactical Writing Process

Bottom-up sentence construction method. Use after identifying throughline (Steps 1-3).

Two-Phase Refinement

Phase 1: Paragraph-Level

1. Break paragraph into components
2. For each component:
   • Q1A: "Do I need this?"
   • Q1B: "What relationships between components?"
   • Q1C: "How does this relate to previous paragraph?"
   • Q-ALWAYS: "How does this serve my throughline?"

Phase 2: Sentence-Level

1. For each sentence:
   • Q2A: "What am I expressing?"
   • Q2B: "Does this have a role in the paragraph?"
   • Q2C: "What relationship with previous sentence?"
2. Build from simplest version → layer complexity

"Start Dumb, Build Up" Method

Core technique: Strip to bare logic, then add descriptions.

Process:

1. Write simplest possible sentence (bare logic)
2. Layer in descriptions one at a time
3. Discover what's essential vs. "fluffy"

Example:

• Bare: "Law recognizes equality. Law allows local practice. This created problems."
• Layer 1: "Chinese law recognizes equality. But allows villages to govern by custom. This dispossessed Lei."
• Layer 2: "Chinese law upheld both villagers' land entitlements and villages' autonomy to govern by custom. Despite statutory protection, rural custom revoked married women's land rights, dispossessing Lei."

Why: Adding details to "nice-sounding" writing makes structure messy. Start ugly, build beautiful.

Bottom-Up Detail Gathering

Before structuring, gather raw material:

1. Collect: Personal experiences, cases, observations, thoughts
2. Extract: General principles/patterns from details
3. Connect: Link principles to specific examples
4. Merge: Weave into coherent narrative

Critical rule: "Don't make it sound nice yet. Give personal experience and details first."

Reading Strategy for Material Gathering

Iterative skimming (not deep reading first):

1. General sense: Why introduced? Why important?
2. Application: When/how used?
3. Explain test: "How would I explain this in 2-3 sentences?"
4. Extract: Take 1-2 technical concepts to show understanding
5. Go back only when writing (not during reading)

Note: "Skimming feels uncomfortable because you're not understanding everything. But it's much more time efficient."

Relationship Mapping

Every sentence must explicitly relate to surrounding sentences.

Method:

• "What does this sentence do for the previous one?"
• "What does it set up for the next one?"
• "If relationship isn't clear, add transitional language"

Example progression:

• "From Lei's case..." (anchors to previous)
• "This drew me to common law..." (consequence)
• "Reading Kennedy's work..." (action taken)

Three-Part Structure

For complex points:

1. Express problem/tension: State core issue
2. Give example: Concrete case
3. Tie together: Show connection

Template: "When reading [source], I found [tension]. In [specific case], [what happened]."

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Content Development Techniques

When student lacks material or struggles with abstraction.

Content Provision

When to use: Student has structure but lacks substance.

Method: Provide concept clusters as building blocks.

Example: Student writes: "Video journaling helped me understand myself" Consultant provides: "Difference. Seeing different ways people live. Seeing intricacies. Listening. Culture. Attentiveness."

Student integrates: "Video journaling taught me to see difference—how others live, the intricacies of their daily rhythms. I learned listening as cultural practice, attentiveness as skill."

Rule: Give raw concepts, not finished sentences. Let them build.

Compression Exercise

When to use: Writing is verbose, ideas buried in excess.

Method: Force radical reduction.

Commands:

• "Reduce this paragraph to 1 sentence"
• "Say this in 2 sentences maximum"
• "This paragraph can be a leading sentence"

Example: Original (3 paragraphs): Discussion of dopamine, YouTube, vlogs, and why vlogging works Compressed (2 sentences): "Laptop open, I resisted YouTube, the vlogs and dopamine. Yet my mind wondered—vloggers record unpolished moments for the public, yes, but for themselves too."

Why it works: Forces identification of core idea. Everything else was decoration.

Experience Translation

When to use: Too many abstract concepts, not enough felt moments.

Method: Replace every abstraction with concrete experience.

Pattern:

• Abstract: "dopamine from watching vlogs"
• Concrete: "what you felt when watching"
• More concrete: "I watched a vlogger hesitate mid-sentence, laugh at herself. That hesitation felt familiar."

Exercise: "For each abstract term, give me the moment you experienced it."

Examples:

• "I learned resilience" → "When the cricket died, I documented it and tried again"
• "Embracing imperfection" → "I posted the video with my voice cracking"
• "Cultural awareness" → "In the matriarchal village, I interviewed a craftsman who spoke of overseas patrons"

Rule: If you can't name the moment, the concept isn't earned yet.

Theoretical Framework Integration

When to use: Personal narrative lacks academic rigor.

Method: Find scholarly framework that explains student's experience.

Examples from consultations:

• Video journaling → Turner's "liminality" (anthropology)
• Dance discipline → Embodied cognition (philosophy)
• Village experience → Intersectionality (Crenshaw)

Process:

1. Identify pattern in student's experience
2. Ask: "What field studies this?"
3. Provide 1-2 key scholars/concepts
4. Student integrates: "Turner's concept of 'liminality' gave me language for what I'd been doing"

Why it works: Elevates personal story to intellectual inquiry.

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Key Techniques

One Sentence Test

Complete: "This essay is about how [experience] taught me [insight], which means I will [action]"

If they can't → essay isn't ready.

Uncomfortable Truth

The best throughline makes the writer slightly uncomfortable.

Prompt: "What are you afraid to say?" That's often the throughline.

So What? Chain

Ask "So what?" three times:

• "I embrace imperfection"
• So what? → "I'm willing to be vulnerable"
• So what? → "I take intellectual risks"
• So what? → "I contribute bold hypotheses, even if wrong"

Stop at third level—that's the actionable insight.

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Common Problems

"Too many themes" → Which most directly answers "what will you do in college?" Keep only that.

"Unclear throughline" → Complete: "If the reader remembers one thing: ___"

"Emotional climax underdeveloped" → Turning point gets 3 sentences? Expand to full paragraph.

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Red Flags

Phrases that signal weak throughline:

• "I learned a lot"
• "This experience shaped me"
• "I'm passionate about"
• "This taught me the importance of"

Push for specificity: What exactly? How specifically?

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For Analytical Essays

Background vs. Analysis:

• Background = Established facts needed to understand
• Analysis = Your interpretation using those facts
• Test: "Is this my argument or common knowledge?"

Evidence Rule: Every claim needs:

1. Textual evidence
2. Contextual support (historical/cultural)
3. Logical connection between evidence and claim

❌ "Snail Girl served a purpose after An Lushan rebellion" ✅ "Snail Girl reflects post-rebellion anxiety, evidenced by [textual detail] and increased courtesan culture in [source]"

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Essay Type Patterns

Opening Strategies for Bridge-Building Essays

Core principle: Strong openings establish stakes before delivering insights.

❌ Weak: Start with advice/quote without context ✅ Strong: Start with moment of tension, then give insight that resolved it

Before (unmotivated quote):

Professor Wong said, "Talk to people more."

After (setup stakes first):

Reviewing famous ethnographies, I expected techniques for observation. Instead, Professor Wong paused: "The fieldwork I'm proudest of came from conversations I almost didn't have."

Hook Types:

1. Surprising moment - Expectation violated
   • "I expected to learn interviewing tactics. Instead, he told me to stop taking notes."
2. Tension - Two opposing truths
   • "The village preserved matriarchal tradition. Yet every woman I met had left to work in coastal cities."
3. Vivid scene - Drop reader into action
   • "The boy approached singing. His mother, 2,000 miles away, had taught him the melody over FaceTime."
4. Confession - Admit uncomfortable truth
   • "I spent three months analyzing communities. I never asked what the data meant to them."

Test: Could the essay start at paragraph 2 instead? If yes, paragraph 1 is weak—it's not doing work to engage the reader.

Common mistake: Generic statements about generation, society, or abstract concepts. These feel like padding.

• ❌ "Growing up a member of Gen Z, I'm invested in learning how people negotiate power..."
• ✅ "When the village elder refused my interview, I realized my questions were extracting data, not building trust."

Thank-You Note / Mentor Essays

Core principle: Relationship-focus over achievement-focus.

❌ Achievement-focused: "I led 493 members, organized games, created mentorship programs..." ✅ Relationship-focused: "You taught me that persistence matters more than perfection. When you accepted me despite my 33% win rate..."

Seven-part structure:

1. Introduce setting: Where/how you met
2. Establish mentor relationship: Who they are to you
3. Show transition: How they empowered you
4. Present problems: Challenges in the community/space
5. Detail your actions: What you did (influenced by them)
6. Reflect on growth: What you learned from the process
7. Final thank you: Connect back to their specific impact

Balancing analytical with personal: You can include sociological/intellectual observations, but frame them as insights the mentor helped you discover.

Example:

• ❌ "I implemented rotating moderators and created participation guidelines..."
• ✅ "You taught me that access defines opportunity. When I saw the PeiWan economy create hierarchy in our group, I remembered your words and introduced rotating moderators..."

Key: Use observations to explain what the person taught you, not to showcase knowledge.

"Why This College" Essays

Specificity over name-dropping: Show what you'd actually do, not just list programs.

❌ Vague: "I'm excited to join debates at the Philomathean Society" ✅ Specific: "At Philomathean Society, I want to bring debates on digital policy—how do we regulate platforms that shape identity formation?"

❌ Generic: "I'll use the Data Driven Discovery Initiative" ✅ Concrete: "Through DDDI, I plan to analyze social media discourse patterns using NLP to understand how marginalized communities build counter-narratives"

Pattern: Program/opportunity → specific question/project you'd pursue → why this connects to your values

Test: Could another applicant copy-paste this sentence? If yes, add more specificity.

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Consultation Flow

First meeting: Ask

• "What is this essay about?"
• "If you deleted half, what stays?"
• "What about your future, not just past?"

Output: 2-3 possible throughlines

Second meeting: Present options "Here are three framings: [A→behavior], [B→behavior], [C→behavior]"

Ask: "Which feels uncomfortable to admit?" → Usually the right one.

Revision: Focus on

• Climax developed enough?
• Every paragraph serves throughline?
• Can we subtract anything?
• Conclusion projects forward?

After structure is solid, use Tactical Writing Process for sentence-level refinement.

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Mantras

1. "What will you do?" > "Who are you?"
2. One throughline, deeply excavated
3. Uncomfortable truth = right throughline
4. Abstract → concrete behaviors
5. Climax deserves most space
6. Evidence before interpretation
7. Start dumb, build up (bare logic → descriptions)
8. Every sentence must relate to adjacent sentences